Number 1 and Number 2

Number 1 and Number 2

Might not be the first

But you bout to be the last

Tired of the bull shit

I’m more than my past

Tired of being the runner up

Even my number one got me feeling like I’m an option

Yea he said love me

And yea he show it at times

But his baby-mamas be on his mind more than I

They the mother of your kids so I get it

But if you love them so much then why you quit it?

The fact you saying we might as well cause of the length

Like common law can really make a marriage

Better than being someone else number 2

Can’t hate cause he the same to me

Shit got confused for a minute at least on my end

Went from having my heart and a fuck friend

Numbers 1 and 2

To having two number 2s

Cause neither one can get me through

All the pain I carry physical and mental

Add the emotional bull shit breaking threw and it scares me

Remembering a past I blocked out

Older fam giving the same hugs but the vibe different

Niggas who really know me saying that I smile different

Running to my girly shit so the makeup can hide

Adding on weight so people won’t pep my shape

Walk slowly in the rain

So I can release the tears of my pain

No glove something I only did in my past

With my number one something we never used

Which is how we got our two

I miss them daily

God saw fit to take them back

Something I never understood

But number 2 been getting the same treatment

Ever since he treated me on my birthday

Explored spots that needed attention in the worst way

Had me ready to call home and say I’m staying out tonight

I mean baby boy did my RIGHT

And seem to be like wine

Cause it just keep getting better with time

Bad thing bout this is

He known to make kids

Granted they some pretty kids

But still I’m talking kids

Plus I see how the dick got them others

And I refuse to turn into just another typical baby mother

So I’m gonna slow my roll

Keep our shit on the low

Regulate my feelings

Cause I ain’t stopping none our dealings

But my life should be a book

Fiction might be hot but my life is off the hook

Oct. 30, 2011

Just Thinking

Just Thinking

All I do is study work and sleep

I might throw in a smoke or drink while getting something to eat

Your voice use to bring a smile to my face

Your touch would make me weak

Could tell when you were up to no good

Just by how I was feeling

But now our dealings get less

My heart getting cold

Supposed to be engaged but this chapter may go untold

Cause the vibe different

Special days you missing

Old lies coming up

So who was I truly kissing

Don’t get me wrong I love our friendship

Love how you know just what spot to hit

And how you make my body my shake

But it’s something bout him that make my shit quiver

He number 2 but he the reason the rest gone after him

Something you coulda did but you chose to hold your PIMP card

So I kept my lil black book

Had we sat and talked back then none of this would have shook

But hind sight 20-20

And one call was all it took

For my eye to wonder

My heart to stray

Mind to open

Legs to spread

But I stay because of that one golden rule

Never go for like because love is the one who rules

Learned that young but my main problem is

What if you think you love both

So to leave one for the other not an option

Because I don’t know if my heart is the one conflicted or is it my head

Part of me saying stay with number one, another saying being single

And a final saying try it with number two

I really just don’t know what to do

10-2-2011

I'm Taken????

What's up all how are you doing this lovely month of September?

Fa true? well that's good to here.

Me? Child I'm breathing so I can't complain to bad. Shit getting hard out here, I'm engaged to someone who I love with my whole heart. However I'm starting to wonder if love is enough now a days. Don't get me wrong he is the same man I first fell in love with back in 2006. The same one who remembers the things I forget. The one I argue with about the fact he has DAUGHTERS not sons so dating, shoes, clothes, make-up and all the other girly shit is something he will have to deal with. He is the same goofy, honest, bad temper, protective, high sex drive man I fall in love with every time I talk to. However I think that is the problem. See I'm not that same female. I mean yes in some ways he has changed for the better, but then he gets liquor in his system and it makes me wonder.

He use to make me feel like I was his best friend and lover. Now I just feel like I'm one of his home boys from back in the day. I know he love me, that's a given I can hear it in his voice whenever he say it.......But why have I been saying it first lately?

Why out of the almost five YEARS we have been kicking it you have never came to visit me?

Why when we were just fwb's (friends with benefits) it was okay for you to get in a relationship but I got a boyfriend it was a fucking problem?

Why you slept next to and fucked that bitch for MONTHS but then still claimed to wanta smash me when I came to town?

Why I have yet to receive my RING but we have been engaged since  May 31 and it is September 26?

SN: *shrugs* at least he didn't do it in a text why he was sitting on the same couch as me in the apartment he stays with me RENT FREE but refuse to LEND money to me to buy a fridge, but I digress

Why it took me sitting down and writing this post to see how much we need to wait on this whole marriage thing until I'm sure we are both ready for this?

My love for you is past just a typical man and woman love because of the fact we are truly best friends. At the same time we may just be meant to be friends and not husband and wife.

*deep sigh*
-Mz. N.O.B.

Caught Up

Caught Up

Baby boy got that dumb dick

Make it feel like I’m having a seizure

Don’t even need motivation

But when he get it he turn it up a thousand

Hold in my screams cause he don’t need to know

He tied for the best I just let my body show

Hips starting to spread

Ass getting thicker

Others trying to get it

I just say I got a nigga

Which I do

But my nigga ain’t him

We both know the truth

I’m engaged and he got a boo

That don’t stop us from doing what we do

Catch myself getting use to him

No glove love something I only do with bae

Number 2 getting it now and I can smell him when I bath

The fact I know his scent

Let’s me know he in my brain

Kisses are addictive

Slow grinding when he get it

Reposition my spine make that dip even deeper

But I got a man and he got a girl

Getting to a point I don’t even care

We keep it on the low put apparently it shows

Bunch of people asking if we on that level

Only a handful know on my account

And no one in the town so shit real wild

Seeing as my ass craving crazy shit

Plus he known to impregnate a bitch

And on my birthday I was on some shit

So the BP wasn’t working

Then my lil cousin found my pack and thru them out

So the possibility of that is high

A bitch caught up and about to be without a man

All I can say is DAMN!!

September 5, 2011

Would You Be Mad

Would You Be Mad

Would you be mad if I kept the true me secret

If I never was myself round you and lied to all your people

Gave you false hope that me and you could make it

While deep inside I knew my heart wasn’t yours for the taken

Would you be mad if had someone else child

If I loved you as a brother and a friend from a distance

Cause I let you disrespect me and can’t find forgiveness

Someone else has my heart now and he cherish it

Would you be mad if I made a happy home with him

If I still loved your kids and spent time with them

May love you but I love me more

So with that said I think I’ll take this door

Would you be mad if I put myself first

If I actually acknowledged myself worth

Your bad but I’m going with my Bestie

And if you every truly loved me

At peace is what you let me be

July 7, 2011

Love From A Que

Church

So I'm sitting in the car in the church parking lot in the above outfit. All I could seem to do was do just that sit. I never felt the need to get out the car and go in. At least not at this church. Now the one I attend on 1st and 3rd Sunday I love to go to.
Considering all the hell I have raised you would think I wouldn't even go, but I do. I just choose not to go where I don't feel welcomed at. I mean why should I.
The church is God's house so why do I feel welcomed at some and out of place at others????
Simple the people in the church.
It seem like its a fashion show or contest more than a place of worship. And for all that I can go to the club, hell I can go to school.
But as I write this post I can't help but wonder is there really any place I can go to and feel welcomed???
Again simple answer. No at least not fully so another question comes. Why do we ignore the feeling when anywhere else but use it as an excuse when we feel it at church?
I don't know the answer to that one. Guess that's why I'm still in the car. *smh* Hopefully I will get that answer as I get wiser.
Anyway talk to y'all another day got runs to make. *lol*
Smooches
Mz. N.O.B.

5-22-2011

~ Woman Mind Set ~

~ Woman Mind Set~

If I was a dude my demeanor would be understood

But since I’m a female they say I need to stop acting hood

Do like a woman should and stay in da house

Sit and look pretty, be as quiet as a mouse

Sorry that’s not me

My heart is in these streets

Might look it but far from stuck up

May be laid back but quick to tell you shut da fuck up

Fav color pink but mostly catch me in black

Down south bitch from da very bottom of the map

Born below sea level so drownin not an option

Stay in D-girl mode but can rock heels while I’m mopping

From the boot shaped state so always stepping hard

Straight all over so nigga u could never pull my card

From jump I told ya how I rock with mostly niggas

And the females I click with I still keep at a distance

So when I feel out with the same bitches u said u didn’t like

Fuck u believe them hoes when the told u lies out of spite

Then u sent me a text saying I’m lying

Niggas I call brothers really my fuck partners

So u gone don’t even wanta be friends

Shit hurt but all I could say was fuck it guess that’s where it ends

3 weeks later I get a call from u

Asking do I wanta chill

Now I’m looking confused like really

After all the shit you said trying to play me

Plus the bull shit I heard bout you trying to get back with ya ex

But you smoke that good good

And I never gotta pay so I block with ya thru the hood

We smoking and we talking

But he urking so I tell him get to walking

I go back to the town I lay my head at

Run into someone who I been crushing on

We kick it like crazy but he everything I said wouldn’t do

I call him my Trey because his smile a killer and skin so smooth

He a sweetheart and a freak

Only one up my way who can make my body skeet

From the thought of him alone

Guess that’s why I love it when we alone

Regardless of if we in public or not

One of the few who can truly make my heart stop

But the feelings never shown

Don’t get weak and can’t tell them no

I hold my ground like a boss bitch

Guess that’s why I never trip on silly shit

A woman who put herself first what a shocker

Guess that’s why ppl always checking if I’m a cradle robber

But I like them older

Least mentally so when times do get to rough I got a shoulder

This the life of a tomboy turning girly on the outside

Mind staying the same so the concept is straight wild

5-21-2011

~ Don't Deserve ~

~Don't Deserve~

I'm always honest on my end when based on how I feel
Because of all the charges I can get you can never say I didn't keep it real
You might not have been #1 but you were working on owning the spot
That's why I pushed away because I thought you were to good to have that spot
Mind on straight and you had goals
Whats the point of you hooking up with me and I turn your heart cold
First time I thought we would just chill
Thats how it turned out but I felt the connection
From the talking and touching and music selection
The way he had me smiling for days
Having a phantom feel of his hands on my legs
But like I said before he deserve better

So when I see him with one of his son's mother I don't sweat him
If anything it make the respect him even more
A young black man
in school
working
and doing for his blood
A real man respect women and still have it in him to be hood
Go getter but in church
Get his by doing legal work
Again the reason I don't deserve him

Yea he got a violent pass
But I know me and I would bring it back
His smile to perfect
Skin so smooth
Dreds fat but neat
And soft when I run my had through them
Both from the boot
So our stamina off the meter

When he get food in front he always clean the plate
How he give it I cant help but want reciprocate
Then I'm a Cancer so 69 my style
And when he digging from the back have me going wild
But as I said before
And after this I'l say it no more
He deserve better
So better he shall receive
I'mma  back off and let you do
But if you come this way again I won't be so confused

May 15, 2011

Good-Bye

Good-Bye

Everyday I get closer
People can’t see it in me though
So if I ever go threw with it
They won’t be able to believe it
Not the cocky N.O. chic
The one forever on her shit
Who everything going for her
The one who always kept people from taking that fall
Who never let a tear fall
Well you its me
Buried in the wall or 6 feet deep
And I dare a mutha fucker to weep
Know I’m at some type of piece
Hopefully
If you reading this and you blood  then I guess I’m gone
Long as my fam good I can move on
Lil ones know I love you
And I ask you don’t follow me for decades to come
I took the easy way out I admit it
But the pain been in me to long
Whenever I think I’m past it I crash back into it
None of my fam see it
The one who can cheer me up got enough on his plate
Know I can go to him but not trying to make him shake
He what keep me going forward
But I don’t know if I can anymore
I love him like crazy I really do
But he got his life on hold while I finish school
Don’t seem fair to me so maybe I should distance myself
Give him a chance with someone else
Someone in the city who life already good

All that said I think its best I say goodbye
Take an endless nap
Never ending sleep
At least then my mind will be at peace
Body wouldn’t ache
Heart wouldn’t heart
Pressure to be perfect gone
Get to see my kids again
Get to spend the time we never had
Meet the grandma who I’m named after
The older and younger sisters who left me lonely
Yea I’ll miss my girls
My daddy
My love
My grandma
My aunts
My uncles
My cousins
My brothers
But they would survive
12 and 21
Nothing diff but the order of the numbers
Same mindset when it come to guns
Sex
Alcohol
And rest
A foreign state that I’m never in
Happiness and joy????
I never had the pleasure
Pain and being unappreciated
Along with self hatred
Shit they my best friends
Just realized I’m fine and beautiful
To bad I really don’t give a fuck anymore

Like the last stanza began
This is me signing out
So I bid u goodbye
And wish my lil cousins and god/step-kids
A long and minimum stress filled life

May 9, 2011

~Perfect~

~Perfect~

Tired of being perfect
Sorry I don’t met your standards
I can only be me
But I guess it’s something ya’ll can’t handle
Supposed to be able to truly be me
But the people who know me least the ones related to me

Was suicidal from 12 to 17
Calmed down when I ran into him
Got older now the extra stress back
And I’m on that bull shit again
Thought I was past this

Guess the tiredness of always:
Having a fake smile
Hiding stress
Argue over money
Get high grades
Don’t do this
And don’t do that

No wonder I smoke now
Been drinking since I was a child
So excuse me if I tend to lay back
And very rarely get wild

But being perfect gets old
In the process it makes ya heart cold
So shit that should excite me
Don’t give a damn about
Always ready to self destruct
Since 13 yelling “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!!!!”

So forgive me if I’m moody
Forgive me if I act insane
Forgive all my previous acts
I’ll strive not to remain the same

But being perfect is hard
And not my goal in life
Only one step away
From being considered his wife
So the new rules you making you can keep
Because all its going end in is me leaving within weeks

April 21, 2011

Reasons For My Pain

My body tired
Brain hurting
Happy place slipping away now it feel like I’m merking
All my relationships
Probably cause I don’t give a shit
Hurt others before they hurt you
Got a blade so I can show you
Physical pain ain’t shit
But that mental and emotional a bad ass bitch
Dealing with all three since I was born it seems
Just made me tougher
And made me colder
Least that’s how I felt as I kept getting older
But now I’m 21
Realize ain’t shit new under the fucking sun
Death is inevitably the sleep I’m trying to see
Regardless of the cuts or pills the won’t cease for me
Always asked why I’m booted up
Can someone tell me a real reason to be happy
Pain is my best friend and only companion
Sex is the pain reliever who bring so much damage
Love is the enemy who “kindness & joy” I can’t manage
So I have to be cold hearted
I have to be single
Have to take care of my younger fam
Have to hold in my tears
While acting like I have no fears
Have to second guess everyone
That’s how my past show it is
Started mourning for babies when I was still a kid
Raised myself from the lowest of places
Only to be knocked back down
So close my heart
Close my eyes
Open my hands
Open my thighs
Prepare for the hurt
Given by the umpteenth man
Quicker his pleasure released
Quicker we finish
Quicker I pick up my pride
Quicker my fam can eat
Not my ideal way to get money
But do what I have to
People call me nasty
If they only knew my family
Those meant to protect, hurt
So never felt that way until it was too late
Protection a state of mind though
Guess that’s why mine never at rest

3-6-2011

Still Hurts

Still Hurts

Hate how much I love you
Even more because you don’t give a damn
Claimed you as my man
But first you were my best friend
Then the drama came
And we both changed
Now you probably couldn’t spot me
Or stop me from doing my thing
Head first in these streets like its nothing
Probably cause since you gone I don’t give a damn
Drinking and smoking trying to get my head right
Niggas and bitches hoping I never make it to light
You the one that kept my heart from being cold
Kept my soul from being black
So when we fell apart
And I crossed that line
I knew there was no coming back
You were my heart and my soul
Still my other half, even through the pain
Can’t let you go and it’s really a shame
Still cry over those twins
They would just be making 2
Acting terrible just like we use to
I knew you were gonna make dem tough
While I spoil dem
21 years, 9 heart breaks, and I’m still moving
But now you gone and I just don’t know how I’mma do it
Everytime I hear our song it hurts
Sleep with my teddy bear it hurts
Meet a nigga with ya name and the pain feel the same
I still hurt cause I want it to be you and me again
The nights I came from the club
Laid next to a sweet gentlemen thug
Dicked down right before I go to sleep
And wake up to the same shit right before I change the sheets
Comforter provider
That’s why he always had a ride or
Die chick in this bitch
Never that kiddie shit
Always free of drama
Except when it came to the baby mama
Feeling like Miss B
How that bitch steady tested me
Everyone surprised I kept my peace
But I did it for the baby hoping the bull would quickly cease
Thinking bout all dis shit
Is about to make me quit
But I thought writing this poem would
Get rid of everything I’m feeling wrong
But the pain still ensues
So the only comfort I have is knowing
He still breathing
Still doing him
Still receiving my love
Even through this its still unshaken
If anything stronger
But being apart from you still hurts
It just hurts

1/28/2011

Tatted

Tatted

You were already tatted on me, my heart and brain
On the verge of being on my skin, so you can imagine the pain
And my surprise
When the thought of you doing me wrong, brought millions of tears to my eyes
Sad part I still love you
Still call ya my baby
Still got ya back
Still want our matching tats

When I think of us I think of the times we had sex
The times we made love
The times we argued
The times we just talked while hugged up
Had two men prior to want or got me tatted on them
Thought about one but the first I even carried his son
Don’t know what is bout a tat
But to see my name on his neck had me wet

In more than the sexual way
I was a juvie and he was a vet
Cried because I felt how much he loved me
Cried cause he was willing to let the world see
He was mines and I was his
The devotion is what contributed to the act of me holding the second one of his kids
Then the jail house promises I got from the next one had me wondering
If he really wanted me for me or just someone to keep him company

Then the stories starting reaching me
Blinded by the pain and the rage of him playing me
Happy I didn’t get that tat on my back
Sad cause he have a daughter the same age as mine should have been
And I try to distance myself but she pulled me back in
Closer to her then his first born
Then back to the last one who I feel bout to be gone
He asked me when I’ll get him tatted on me
I asked when he’ll get me tatted on him

He asked first so I told him when I finish putting in about 9monthes of work
But it gotta result in a boy in order to get the art work
He said when we married we get matching ones on our finger
That way we can never say we don’t remember
But that work gotta go on my chest
I told him I’ll do the inner thigh cause I gotta be professional

So it’s something bout tats that make me ponder
Do u really love me cause I’m embedded in ya skin
Or is it better I’m not there and on ya heart instead
I saw it’s better when I’m there and in ya head
When I make you smile from just the thought of my smile
Not what’s down in between my legs
Numerous relationships between the first and now
And only those three would I be willing to get tatted bout

Call me stupid
Call me insane
Put I’m from the city where tattoos
Are pretty famous
So when I’m able to make up my mind
I’m getting my tattoo right on the bottom of my spine

I'm Back

"Been gon for a minute now I'm back with tthe jumpoff" *in Lil' Kim voice*
hey hi ya doin I kno I said I was gonna be on here hard, but ummmmmmm hey I wasn't oh well. Still at MVSU getting ready for my 2nd semester there I'm a Junior and love how grades looked last semester (1 B the rest A's equalling a 3.8 GPA) Nerd I kow but really idc.
Lets see what has been going on lately......ummmmmmmmmmm

1. oh I pulled a Salt-N-Peppa move and took this girl I was cool w/ man.
2. Me and the Bestie are....well I don't know what we are. I do know he is still my bet friend despite all the bull shit surroundng our relationship.
3. Ummm oh my ex called me yesterday on New Year's Eve and he through me for a loop and believe that is why I got this killer headache.
4. Oh yea got a new bf that I'm truly feeling, but my gut telling me to take it slow cause its just something about this whole situation.
5. Got to "met" my Bestie's 2nd baby mama through fb...already didnt like her from the run in we had on the phone b4, but now I REALLY dnt like her ass

I think that just about covers it if I forgot sumthin I'll let ya'll in on it b/c hopefully I'll be doin entries more often

*smooches*
- BabyGirl