Pain

Pain

Pain is temporary but dealing with the same pain for to long is dangerous.
Just like when pressure builds up and a glass bottle bust.
The original is shattered innocent pieces lost.
Even when placed back together its never the same.
Sad to say the remembrance of the pain is my joy.
The scars create my smile.
Real happiness never knew it.
Physical bliss was tainted.
Don't like gifts cause the ulterior motives never legit.
So I've come to the conclusion this love shit not for me.
Migraines 20 hours out of a day.
No sleep and have yet to feel or see my little one play.
Three rings but still no vows.
Multiple promises of a cure.
But the pain wins out.
So I just deal.
Learn to turn a pint of alcohol to a meal.
Smoke break and a wine cooler be another.
The two things that have me scared to be a mother.
My pain and medicine,
A volatile combination with a suppose to be "mother."

09/15/2012

The Idea

The Idea

I feel in love with the idea of you:

Loving me

Holding me

Wanting me

Understanding me

Appreciating me

I fell in love with the idea of me and you:

Having our own

Making trips to exotic places

Graduating together

Creating a family

I fell in love with the idea.....

Guess that's the problem

I fell in love with an idea

And not the true person

Fell in love with the person I knew

Not the one in the present

But the dreams you promised

I viewed as a blessing

Didn't understand the lies you came up with

Were ideas I had of a love from when I was a kid

You listened and never judged

So I thought you really cared

You chased me

So I thought the feelings I caught

Made it all fair

But as time moved on your actions not your words

Proved my assumptions completely wrong

Confused on how to feel

Should I be: hurt

Sad

Heart broken

Mad

Not give a fuck

Or should I just be glad

That I'm back to the old me

But she cold hearted

Not capable of love

Someone I was sick of being

But she the one who shed no tears

Showed no fears

Held it all in

And had no problems from it

Guess the idea of me

The idea of you

The idea of us

Was just an idea

Of how some parts of love should be

But I guess the idea of me

Wasn’t enough to keep you out the streets

So me and my ideas are going

And I regret to inform you

My ideas of us will remain just that

An idea

August 15, 2012

Then and Now

Then and Now

Back then,

I was afraid to fall in love

Something I have already did

Not just with the sex

But with the person I knew you were

The feeling you gave me when I needed a hug

Let me vent about things I didn’t realize I was holding in

You called me and did the same

Didn’t have the problems then

Right now,

I’m tired and the disappearing acts starting to get old

Games you playing making my heart so cold

The change you began still taking place

No one can seem to make their own space

My feelings still there regardless how hard I try

Notice your true colors and I’m tempted to sit back and cry

However tears can never dress the face of a thug

At least not this one you knew what was up

Cause back then,

I used to fuck round with your kin

And when that ended we were still cool like Chicago wind

Family secrets I never let out

Fell into your ears

Goals I gave up

Rethought about including you and your kids

Promised them a room

In my future crib

But right now,

I gotta focus on school

My promises to your lil ones Imma hold true

Because getting to the money is my current fetish

Hope you can stand seeing this monster you then unleashed

Joalane out the picture and Paulinah been released

So when you in need don’t come to me for help

Ask your line up

Since I see I’m no longer fitting the bill

Maybe later on,

You may get it together

Have your priorities right

Understand how a relationship should go

Cause the you I fell for back then

And the you I’m in love with now are completely different

I can’t lie regardless of the you later on

You will have my heart

Cause you saw me back then

When I was afraid to even start a right now

And didn’t think of a later

August 13, 2012

Fairy Tale Love/Heart Attack

Fairy Tale Love/Heart Attack

My heart feeling funny

And not in a bad way

Smiling wide and bright as the sun

Hope the good times stay

Making plans that could last a lifetime

Dreams may come true this time around

Love the new me I’m seeing

Well she not really new

Just got beat into an early grave

Was resurrected through a kiss like a fairy tale

The last person expected to have that effect

Even this princess had accepted her death

Then I met the prince’s court

Saw he truly cared and it wasn’t for sport

Took my fear and turned them fun

Can honestly say he has fixed a shattered woman

The space is now warm

Now capable of the greatest act

Loving myself and him

How is that for a heart attack?

June 5, 2012

My Pain

My Pain

I wish you could see what you did to me

“Trained” me to be for you

Then left soon as I hit school

Pain I still can’t forget

Special games I would rather forget

Like you forgot me

Felt abandoned and unloved

When I as sixteen picked them back up

Unknowingly going back to the old “games”

Just had new players

They woke a craving I abandoned

Confused what you taught as love with lust

So the men that cared I left

The ones who hurt I chose to trust

Didn’t realize the problem till I was 21

And you tried to restart a story I never knew begun

I understood then when the nightmares came back

And a simple pat on the back received a panic attack

A compliment is never true

Ulterior motives I see them even when not there

Don’t lie and say I’m beautiful

Just say what you want and where

Was my rule for so many years

Plus when you call me out my name it’s irrelevant

Didn’t understand how much pain I was causing

Lost 5 kids so I know why you talking

Fucked brothers and cousins

Even a chic I was cool with husband

Stupid maybe

Naïve hell yes

Trusting never that

Just a scorned lil girl in a woman’s body

Who in this war of life is a vet

With PTSD something I finally accept

April 28, 2012

Life

Life

I don’t even smoke no more

No longer get high

I don’t even drink no more

Trying to see how I get by

Not even content when I smile

Real friends see in my eyes

Guess that’s why

Been popping since I was five

Southern “lady”

New Orleans raised me

Katrina bathed me

Mississippi preyed on me like crazy

Now I’m back cutting

Which lead to scare

Not leaving the house

So I end up with more stress

Flashbacks to my younger years

Pain others joke and lie about

I really lived

Swear I can write a movie

From these held back tears

So I guess it’s back to smoking

Probably can handle an ounce a day now

Cause the pain to strong so 4 blunts just gonna tease me

Finally tried syrup and it go down easy

Had a good sleep

Just ended to soon

Guess I found a new vice

Gotta see if this one is a perfect fit

Cause this 89 baby tired of it

April 24, 2012

I Admit...

I Admit…

I admit…

I admit I crossed the line

I admit I broke a rule

But I guess we both played a fool

You for the block

And me for you

Yea I admit it

I admit…

I added my heart to an equation without really thinking

My fuck up guess that’s why it’s still not taking

Put it out there

And you ran over it too many times

But every time I see you I can’t help but smile

I admit I don’t know how to show you the real me

I admit…

I’m truly scared to commit

Been hurt to many times

Even though you seem to fit

The mold of who I want my man to be

And how your kids seem to cling to me

I admit I cling back

I admit…

We vibe like crazy

Constantly asked if I’m his lady

I’m not but same time always saying I’m taken

So the fact is I’m flying

In my own world

I admit I have the trust of a lil naive girl

I admit…

All of the above

That I’m attracted to an imaginary heart

To someone who hold me and protect me from the pain

Who was the reason for the good changes

But he doesn’t see it

So no need in admitting

But I will anyway

I admit I love him

Also admit it’s my time to walk away

April 1, 2012

So Tired

I'm so tired of pretending to be happy. For the past 10 years and some change I have had to deal with more stress on my own then most females I know. A family full of two-faced females who act one way in public, but talk bout each other when the other one is not around. Nobody took the time out to notice that I stayed popping pills or cut myself on the regular. Hell no seems to notice I'm doing it again now. Except just add large amounts of alcohol and weed to the mix.

Writing was once my escape but it doesn't seem to be working anymore. I had to tell my friends to take my lighters and hide my liquor today. Something that I have never done, but I'm honestly scared of the way I feel right now and even more terrified of what I may do.

*deep sigh* Guess I'll just thug it out  and hope thing work out for the better.

*looks up to the sky* big cuz PLEASE watch over me

Sincerely

BabyGirl