Growing up in a crazy city such as New Orleans, with a dad who had to leave because his wife/your egg donor did not want to move when his job left state. So you were forced to stay with a woman who acts as if she did not want you. I really do not care truth be told because I did not ask to be here. That's another subject though.
But in that city where you forced to raise yourself at the age of 7 and also deal with your best friend at the time leaving you high and dry. Not receiving the letters he sent until you were 20yrs old and helping him clean out some stuff from out of a briefcase she new the combo too but I had long forgotten.
You see I was and still am a Daddy's girl to the complete fullest. Which strikes me as the old ball out among my friends; they are all close to their moms and have little to no relationship with their father.
I know sometimes they probably wonder why they are friends with me. I mean I admit I am a recovering hoe. I mean I saw my cousins giving the girls who opened they legs more attention then the ones who told them no or they had to wait. I mean yes I saw how the game went when they had 3 and 4 females at time and how they, shall I saw attempted, to keep them from finding out about each other. I saw the pain the girls felt when they got dismissed because they confused my cousins smashing them faithfully with love.
Combine that with an extreme daddy complex and the refusal to get hurt by any male, and you have me. Yes I have fucked a large amount of niggas in my short 20yrs, but do not get it twisted I did not trust or love even half. I guess you can say they were convenient. I have a sex drive of a young male or an older lady who just hit her peak. I started at a decent but still young age of 15, so by the time I was 17 I knew in general what I liked what I didn't and in what position. Guess you can call me a nympho to the 10th power squared. lol
I laugh at all this because I was just cool and flirted with a lot of dudes at 14,15,16. I mean in the span of the spring of my sophomore year to my senior year I only had sex with 5 people 3 of which I was in relationships with. In my head they were my future. *smh* Two broke my heart by not only cheating, cause I can deal and maybe forgive that, but straight lying and then trying to make it up by making empty promises. Needless to say the only made their grave deeper and more permanent. The third on though, I still love with all my heart and will most likely forever wonder what if. He was my first everything, and its funny because he was 11years older than me. I knew I could count on him if no one else, had plans on moving with him to Texas once I graduated high school. Truthfully if I hadn't got sick my sophomore year I would have left then. I guess destiny had other plans for though, still it would have been nice. I could tell him anything and wouldn't have to worry about him judging me. He held me and any frustration I had would just melt away. He was truly my first love. I feel guilty that he is even in jail right now.
And, it is not because of the age different my parents still do not know about that relationship. But because he was not supposed to be in the state when Katrina happened, he had just okay-ed it with his P.O. to move to Houston. Only reason he was in town was to see me that weekend, and once he was supposed to meet me at the game got canceled he tried to leave. Tried being the key word, because his car broke down and he couldn't get out. I mean at least he did not get hurt, but he did get caught and last I heard from him he is doing time.
Once I touched down back home everything around me reminded me off him. It was killing me, so to keep my mind off not being with him I wilded out. I went from 5 to 18 in one year, and not even a whole year. I know trifling, but there were two people I actually became close to during this process. *giggling & smh* The main one, my bestie, I know crazy right.............. *shrugs* What can I say? They have a lot in common. My bestie is one year and one month younger than my first love. I can tell them both everything with fear. They both have broke my heart once. However, not only did mended it the fixed the trust they broke along with it.
I know I'mma end up with my bestie....to many dreams pointing to him before he even entered my life to think otherwise. At the same time I know that my first love will pop up eventually in my life. Most likely with my luck once I married or engaged, hell might run into him on the honeymoon.-- now wouldn't that be some shit--
This is just a brief summary of why I'm tainted goods and don't want to get in a relationship with my homeboy who I'm feeling and know he feeling me. I mean think if this is just the icing on the top layer of a 10-layer cake can you imagine all the shit that come with me. Why my bestie or sisters deal with me and they no all that I still can't understand.
Well with that off my chest I bid you goodbye for today. Hopefully I will be adding more often now that I have a stable access to a computer.
Holla
Mz. N.O.B.
