Then and Now

Then and Now

Back then,

I was afraid to fall in love

Something I have already did

Not just with the sex

But with the person I knew you were

The feeling you gave me when I needed a hug

Let me vent about things I didn’t realize I was holding in

You called me and did the same

Didn’t have the problems then

Right now,

I’m tired and the disappearing acts starting to get old

Games you playing making my heart so cold

The change you began still taking place

No one can seem to make their own space

My feelings still there regardless how hard I try

Notice your true colors and I’m tempted to sit back and cry

However tears can never dress the face of a thug

At least not this one you knew what was up

Cause back then,

I used to fuck round with your kin

And when that ended we were still cool like Chicago wind

Family secrets I never let out

Fell into your ears

Goals I gave up

Rethought about including you and your kids

Promised them a room

In my future crib

But right now,

I gotta focus on school

My promises to your lil ones Imma hold true

Because getting to the money is my current fetish

Hope you can stand seeing this monster you then unleashed

Joalane out the picture and Paulinah been released

So when you in need don’t come to me for help

Ask your line up

Since I see I’m no longer fitting the bill

Maybe later on,

You may get it together

Have your priorities right

Understand how a relationship should go

Cause the you I fell for back then

And the you I’m in love with now are completely different

I can’t lie regardless of the you later on

You will have my heart

Cause you saw me back then

When I was afraid to even start a right now

And didn’t think of a later

August 13, 2012

Fairy Tale Love/Heart Attack

Fairy Tale Love/Heart Attack

My heart feeling funny

And not in a bad way

Smiling wide and bright as the sun

Hope the good times stay

Making plans that could last a lifetime

Dreams may come true this time around

Love the new me I’m seeing

Well she not really new

Just got beat into an early grave

Was resurrected through a kiss like a fairy tale

The last person expected to have that effect

Even this princess had accepted her death

Then I met the prince’s court

Saw he truly cared and it wasn’t for sport

Took my fear and turned them fun

Can honestly say he has fixed a shattered woman

The space is now warm

Now capable of the greatest act

Loving myself and him

How is that for a heart attack?

June 5, 2012

My Pain

My Pain

I wish you could see what you did to me

“Trained” me to be for you

Then left soon as I hit school

Pain I still can’t forget

Special games I would rather forget

Like you forgot me

Felt abandoned and unloved

When I as sixteen picked them back up

Unknowingly going back to the old “games”

Just had new players

They woke a craving I abandoned

Confused what you taught as love with lust

So the men that cared I left

The ones who hurt I chose to trust

Didn’t realize the problem till I was 21

And you tried to restart a story I never knew begun

I understood then when the nightmares came back

And a simple pat on the back received a panic attack

A compliment is never true

Ulterior motives I see them even when not there

Don’t lie and say I’m beautiful

Just say what you want and where

Was my rule for so many years

Plus when you call me out my name it’s irrelevant

Didn’t understand how much pain I was causing

Lost 5 kids so I know why you talking

Fucked brothers and cousins

Even a chic I was cool with husband

Stupid maybe

Naïve hell yes

Trusting never that

Just a scorned lil girl in a woman’s body

Who in this war of life is a vet

With PTSD something I finally accept

April 28, 2012

Life

Life

I don’t even smoke no more

No longer get high

I don’t even drink no more

Trying to see how I get by

Not even content when I smile

Real friends see in my eyes

Guess that’s why

Been popping since I was five

Southern “lady”

New Orleans raised me

Katrina bathed me

Mississippi preyed on me like crazy

Now I’m back cutting

Which lead to scare

Not leaving the house

So I end up with more stress

Flashbacks to my younger years

Pain others joke and lie about

I really lived

Swear I can write a movie

From these held back tears

So I guess it’s back to smoking

Probably can handle an ounce a day now

Cause the pain to strong so 4 blunts just gonna tease me

Finally tried syrup and it go down easy

Had a good sleep

Just ended to soon

Guess I found a new vice

Gotta see if this one is a perfect fit

Cause this 89 baby tired of it

April 24, 2012

I Admit...

I Admit…

I admit…

I admit I crossed the line

I admit I broke a rule

But I guess we both played a fool

You for the block

And me for you

Yea I admit it

I admit…

I added my heart to an equation without really thinking

My fuck up guess that’s why it’s still not taking

Put it out there

And you ran over it too many times

But every time I see you I can’t help but smile

I admit I don’t know how to show you the real me

I admit…

I’m truly scared to commit

Been hurt to many times

Even though you seem to fit

The mold of who I want my man to be

And how your kids seem to cling to me

I admit I cling back

I admit…

We vibe like crazy

Constantly asked if I’m his lady

I’m not but same time always saying I’m taken

So the fact is I’m flying

In my own world

I admit I have the trust of a lil naive girl

I admit…

All of the above

That I’m attracted to an imaginary heart

To someone who hold me and protect me from the pain

Who was the reason for the good changes

But he doesn’t see it

So no need in admitting

But I will anyway

I admit I love him

Also admit it’s my time to walk away

April 1, 2012