What's up all how are you doing this lovely month of September?
Fa true? well that's good to here.
Me? Child I'm breathing so I can't complain to bad. Shit getting hard out here, I'm engaged to someone who I love with my whole heart. However I'm starting to wonder if love is enough now a days. Don't get me wrong he is the same man I first fell in love with back in 2006. The same one who remembers the things I forget. The one I argue with about the fact he has DAUGHTERS not sons so dating, shoes, clothes, make-up and all the other girly shit is something he will have to deal with. He is the same goofy, honest, bad temper, protective, high sex drive man I fall in love with every time I talk to. However I think that is the problem. See I'm not that same female. I mean yes in some ways he has changed for the better, but then he gets liquor in his system and it makes me wonder.
He use to make me feel like I was his best friend and lover. Now I just feel like I'm one of his home boys from back in the day. I know he love me, that's a given I can hear it in his voice whenever he say it.......But why have I been saying it first lately?
Why out of the almost five YEARS we have been kicking it you have never came to visit me?
Why when we were just fwb's (friends with benefits) it was okay for you to get in a relationship but I got a boyfriend it was a fucking problem?
Why you slept next to and fucked that bitch for MONTHS but then still claimed to wanta smash me when I came to town?
Why I have yet to receive my RING but we have been engaged since May 31 and it is September 26?
SN: *shrugs* at least he didn't do it in a text why he was sitting on the same couch as me in the apartment he stays with me RENT FREE but refuse to LEND money to me to buy a fridge, but I digress
Why it took me sitting down and writing this post to see how much we need to wait on this whole marriage thing until I'm sure we are both ready for this?
My love for you is past just a typical man and woman love because of the fact we are truly best friends. At the same time we may just be meant to be friends and not husband and wife.
Hate how much I love you
Even more because you don’t give a damn
Claimed you as my man
But first you were my best friend
Then the drama came
And we both changed
Now you probably couldn’t spot me
Or stop me from doing my thing
Head first in these streets like its nothing
Probably cause since you gone I don’t give a damn
Drinking and smoking trying to get my head right
Niggas and bitches hoping I never make it to light
You the one that kept my heart from being cold
Kept my soul from being black
So when we fell apart
And I crossed that line
I knew there was no coming back
You were my heart and my soul
Still my other half, even through the pain
Can’t let you go and it’s really a shame
Still cry over those twins
They would just be making 2
Acting terrible just like we use to
I knew you were gonna make dem tough
While I spoil dem
21 years, 9 heart breaks, and I’m still moving
But now you gone and I just don’t know how I’mma do it
Everytime I hear our song it hurts
Sleep with my teddy bear it hurts
Meet a nigga with ya name and the pain feel the same
I still hurt cause I want it to be you and me again
The nights I came from the club
Laid next to a sweet gentlemen thug
Dicked down right before I go to sleep
And wake up to the same shit right before I change the sheets
Comforter provider
That’s why he always had a ride or
Die chick in this bitch
Never that kiddie shit
Always free of drama
Except when it came to the baby mama
Feeling like Miss B
How that bitch steady tested me
Everyone surprised I kept my peace
But I did it for the baby hoping the bull would quickly cease
Thinking bout all dis shit
Is about to make me quit
But I thought writing this poem would
Get rid of everything I’m feeling wrong
But the pain still ensues
So the only comfort I have is knowing
He still breathing
Still doing him
Still receiving my love
Even through this its still unshaken
If anything stronger
But being apart from you still hurts
It just hurts
You were already tatted on me, my heart and brain
On the verge of being on my skin, so you can imagine the pain
And my surprise
When the thought of you doing me wrong, brought millions of tears to my eyes
Sad part I still love you
Still call ya my baby
Still got ya back
Still want our matching tats
When I think of us I think of the times we had sex
The times we made love
The times we argued
The times we just talked while hugged up
Had two men prior to want or got me tatted on them
Thought about one but the first I even carried his son
Don’t know what is bout a tat
But to see my name on his neck had me wet
In more than the sexual way
I was a juvie and he was a vet
Cried because I felt how much he loved me
Cried cause he was willing to let the world see
He was mines and I was his
The devotion is what contributed to the act of me holding the second one of his kids
Then the jail house promises I got from the next one had me wondering
If he really wanted me for me or just someone to keep him company
Then the stories starting reaching me
Blinded by the pain and the rage of him playing me
Happy I didn’t get that tat on my back
Sad cause he have a daughter the same age as mine should have been
And I try to distance myself but she pulled me back in
Closer to her then his first born
Then back to the last one who I feel bout to be gone
He asked me when I’ll get him tatted on me
I asked when he’ll get me tatted on him
He asked first so I told him when I finish putting in about 9monthes of work
But it gotta result in a boy in order to get the art work
He said when we married we get matching ones on our finger
That way we can never say we don’t remember
But that work gotta go on my chest
I told him I’ll do the inner thigh cause I gotta be professional
So it’s something bout tats that make me ponder
Do u really love me cause I’m embedded in ya skin
Or is it better I’m not there and on ya heart instead
I saw it’s better when I’m there and in ya head
When I make you smile from just the thought of my smile
Not what’s down in between my legs
Numerous relationships between the first and now
And only those three would I be willing to get tatted bout
Call me stupid
Call me insane
Put I’m from the city where tattoos
Are pretty famous
So when I’m able to make up my mind
I’m getting my tattoo right on the bottom of my spine
Loved you even though I knew all ya faults
Never cared because you knew all mines from the start
Always respected me, at least that’s what you claimed
Had me willing to do anything for you stayed claiming ya last name
And you play me like a groupie from round the way
Must have got me confused with the bitches you fucked from back in the day
Forgot you taught me how to be a gutta bitch
Was already a rider cause the males in my fam taught me that shit
I please my man out of love and you know that
But if you push too much I’m not afraid to push back
Met ya cousins and ya boys heard ya tell ya mom about me
Know you a thug, ya own child call ya rowdy
But I loved you still
Held you down and kept it all the way real
So imagine my surprise when I heard you played me
Know not to believe that he said she said but the info was sum crazy
They told me shit I knew was true
Time frame fit and knew ya crew
Named ya kids and ya spots
Even called ya baby mama name out
All that shit added to my regular stress
No wonder I snapped and let tears my face them dress
After all this info you would think I’m through
But I still love you harder than a fat kid love food
I see I gotta love ya from a distance though
Always have a place in my heart just can’t let it show
Moving on to someone who treat me better
Was there for the drama so you know I deserve the sunny weather
Hope we remain friends though
My new man can’t stand you but he love it to see me happy so
If I ask him to trust me with you I think he can manage
Cause to lose you as my man is tough however it’s reversible damage
But to lose my best friend would be to much for me to handle
Compared to you my sisters can’t hold a candle
Even though from what I’m told you think I’m aggravating
So maybe we should lose all contact and I learn to deal with shit dolo
This the reason I’m scared to love don’t get pain when I’m solo
But I be closer to death cause I be on them suicidal missions
Welcoming all kind of pain sisters think I’m tripping
A place only love can reach me but can still be ignored
Where the tears flow none stop while my story goes untold
That’s the way I like it though a burden to no one
Just drown myself till I’ve cried myself out and the tears are done
Dear L.,
It has been over 5years since I talked to you, and even after what you did I cannot honestly say that I don't still care for you. If I was to be 100% truthful with how I feel, I still love as much as the last day we kissed. Dreams I remember having when we first met are starting to pop up again. Seem like everything is repeating now that I'm looking back.
- getting closer with my dad
- feel myself getting sick again
- thinking I'm pregnant
- depression setting in (worse this time around)
All the same things I was going through before. Only this time I'm not crying out for you, I'm crying out for my Bestie. He is the one who I found, fixed, and filled my heart after you broke, burned, and buried it.
I turned so cold after you played me that day. Didn't realize it then, but I returned to the lil girl you met that day. Set back out on that track of self destruction. Its not slowly your fault I shoulda been strong enough mentally to not let you in my head.
*smh* I love you but am requesting you leave my brain and dreams alone. Thank you soooooo much.
*smooches*
BabyGirl
Have you ever tried to move on to someone else and find
yourself comparing them to the person you trying to get over?
Always changing his ring tone whenever you hear a new
song that fit his place in your heart?
Here the killer:
Have you ever been in that good drunk coma sleep and his ring tone
plays and wakes you up?
I got news for you if you have felt any of these things…….
Drum roll please…………
YOU. ARE. IN. LOVE.
Now you may ask what is this thing called love, and why do we constantly chase after the feeling. I mean let’s be honest. Everybody, and I do mean EVERYBODY has had their heart broken at least once in their life.
If you haven’t yet, then trust me you will. Hate to sound so morbid about the situation, but *shrugs* that’s how the cookie crumbles. I mean sure some people may not deal with it until their life long partner dies while they in their old age. However, the majority go through it while in their teens or twenties.
Lets look at what the word love means according to Webster’s New World Dictionary 4th Edition, shall we. *stands up and clears throat* It says:
Love (luv) n. 1 strong affection or liking for someone or something
2 a passionate affection of one person for another 3 the object of such affection;
a sweetheart or lover 4Tennis a score of zero
Now doesn’t 1-3 sound so beautiful, nice, and any other mushy feeling word you can think off. Well take a closer look at the fourth definition. It states a score of ZERO, now it does state that it is a term use in the scoring process for the sport of tennis, but the question arrives on why would they name this score a love when it “represents the absence of any quantity or magnitude” or simple “nothing” as two of the four definitions according to my friend Web.
I can’t honestly sit here and say that I never feel in love, because I did. On more than one occasion, however I have regretted it both times because the hurt I get in return is so intense. The last two hurt the most.
One I was with for four years, now of those four he was in jail for one year and seven months, on the run for three. So I basically did not see him for 46% of the relationship. When we first met it was all cool, but I should have took his first action as a clue on what was to come. I can not even begin to understand why he did what he did, it hurt when I found out about his other child, but I handled it because she was made when we were on break. However, the fact he looked me dead in my eyes and told she was not his knowing she was, then all the other lies coming out about different things he has done. I can’t even bare to hear his voice anymore, and I damn sure can’t look him in his eye.
The other one broke my heart and I still this day don’t know how, considering the fact we never went together. Crazy right, *smh* you don’t even know the half. He is one of the few people I don’t care how hard I try I can’t lie to and I hate that fact. I can’t tell the bastard no either, it’s some damn foolishness, a conspiracy I say. Up until I met him I was a pimp in ever sense of the word. I had niggas coming a dime a dozen was honest with them but when a bitch felt like being by herself it was nothing ya dig. This mutha fucker here I actually was chasing and would get mad when he did not have time for me. I mean last time I checked we were just fuck buddies, he is now my Bestie but it took a minute to get there. Well we I called him one night and he was at the bar, *rolling eyes* like always, and said he had to tell me something. I’m like ok cool what’s up. A bitch thinking he was going to come see me or some shit cause at this point I’m no longer in New Orleans. What does this bow-legged mutha fucker say? H informs me that he is back with his youngest child mother. When I say it felt like my heart cracked and my eyes started getting watery, a trait I’m proud not to have in most cases, it took everything in me not to let him hear it. Then he said we can still be cool and do the business when we see each other. I damn near screamed no at him. Keep in mind it’s 3 in the morning and everybody else in my family sleep. After all that you would think he would not be anywhere in my heart or mind, but o no currently…………………he OWNS my heart and LIVES IN my mind.
I state all this simple to give a warning to all those who are thinking about, currently are, or on their way to being in LOVE. Enter it cautiously and know that the feeling my be great, but with everything good there is always some bad. It is up to you to determine if you are willing to endure it.
A million odds against us
Our back against the wall
All the haters waiting to see us fall
But we steady claiming higher than them all
Through the tears and the storm
Friends say I need to let the game go
Im to scared to let you know
That I'm more afraid to let you go
I broke my number one rule
And I opened up my heart
Loved you hard way to soon
Seem like everytime we tlk you get me high
Just to give me the blues
I say "I love you"
You say you know
You say you love me
I'm like "SHIT LET IT SHOW!!!"
We both have a don't give a fuck attitude
But I let you go, just went back to being friends
I respected when you got back with ya ex
So why you couldn't give me the same
Had enough stress
Plus you blaming me for our kids death
You had the right to be mad, that I was again
But don't you think I crie enough abouut the fact
I wanted our twins
Wanted your love
Wanted my heart back
We both knew, it was in better hands with you
Cause I would straight up throw it in the freezer
THen smash it and bury it
So I wouldn't have a fear
That way I wouldn't hurt as much when I see you coming
And no effect when I see you go
To say we never were official
But are always there for each other
And I strongly believe I will love no other
As I love you
Be it good
Be it bad
You will always have my heart
An action at times I believe we both regret
This is just a poem I wrote of my "bestfriend" I don't know your opinions on the ideal relationship or mate, but me and his have so many ups and downs its crazy. We have known each other since my senior year in high school when I was 17 and he was 27 (yes he is 10years older than me) and have yet to run out of things to talk about. I know regardless how much it may hurt him or how much it may hurt me we will always be 100 wwith each other. He has two daughters that I loe as if they were my own. My sisters say we might as well get together even though so me of them can't stand him.
