My Pain

My Pain

I wish you could see what you did to me

“Trained” me to be for you

Then left soon as I hit school

Pain I still can’t forget

Special games I would rather forget

Like you forgot me

Felt abandoned and unloved

When I as sixteen picked them back up

Unknowingly going back to the old “games”

Just had new players

They woke a craving I abandoned

Confused what you taught as love with lust

So the men that cared I left

The ones who hurt I chose to trust

Didn’t realize the problem till I was 21

And you tried to restart a story I never knew begun

I understood then when the nightmares came back

And a simple pat on the back received a panic attack

A compliment is never true

Ulterior motives I see them even when not there

Don’t lie and say I’m beautiful

Just say what you want and where

Was my rule for so many years

Plus when you call me out my name it’s irrelevant

Didn’t understand how much pain I was causing

Lost 5 kids so I know why you talking

Fucked brothers and cousins

Even a chic I was cool with husband

Stupid maybe

Naïve hell yes

Trusting never that

Just a scorned lil girl in a woman’s body

Who in this war of life is a vet

With PTSD something I finally accept

April 28, 2012

I'm Taken????

What's up all how are you doing this lovely month of September?

Fa true? well that's good to here.

Me? Child I'm breathing so I can't complain to bad. Shit getting hard out here, I'm engaged to someone who I love with my whole heart. However I'm starting to wonder if love is enough now a days. Don't get me wrong he is the same man I first fell in love with back in 2006. The same one who remembers the things I forget. The one I argue with about the fact he has DAUGHTERS not sons so dating, shoes, clothes, make-up and all the other girly shit is something he will have to deal with. He is the same goofy, honest, bad temper, protective, high sex drive man I fall in love with every time I talk to. However I think that is the problem. See I'm not that same female. I mean yes in some ways he has changed for the better, but then he gets liquor in his system and it makes me wonder.

He use to make me feel like I was his best friend and lover. Now I just feel like I'm one of his home boys from back in the day. I know he love me, that's a given I can hear it in his voice whenever he say it.......But why have I been saying it first lately?

Why out of the almost five YEARS we have been kicking it you have never came to visit me?

Why when we were just fwb's (friends with benefits) it was okay for you to get in a relationship but I got a boyfriend it was a fucking problem?

Why you slept next to and fucked that bitch for MONTHS but then still claimed to wanta smash me when I came to town?

Why I have yet to receive my RING but we have been engaged since  May 31 and it is September 26?

SN: *shrugs* at least he didn't do it in a text why he was sitting on the same couch as me in the apartment he stays with me RENT FREE but refuse to LEND money to me to buy a fridge, but I digress

Why it took me sitting down and writing this post to see how much we need to wait on this whole marriage thing until I'm sure we are both ready for this?

My love for you is past just a typical man and woman love because of the fact we are truly best friends. At the same time we may just be meant to be friends and not husband and wife.

*deep sigh*
-Mz. N.O.B.

Reasons For My Pain

My body tired
Brain hurting
Happy place slipping away now it feel like I’m merking
All my relationships
Probably cause I don’t give a shit
Hurt others before they hurt you
Got a blade so I can show you
Physical pain ain’t shit
But that mental and emotional a bad ass bitch
Dealing with all three since I was born it seems
Just made me tougher
And made me colder
Least that’s how I felt as I kept getting older
But now I’m 21
Realize ain’t shit new under the fucking sun
Death is inevitably the sleep I’m trying to see
Regardless of the cuts or pills the won’t cease for me
Always asked why I’m booted up
Can someone tell me a real reason to be happy
Pain is my best friend and only companion
Sex is the pain reliever who bring so much damage
Love is the enemy who “kindness & joy” I can’t manage
So I have to be cold hearted
I have to be single
Have to take care of my younger fam
Have to hold in my tears
While acting like I have no fears
Have to second guess everyone
That’s how my past show it is
Started mourning for babies when I was still a kid
Raised myself from the lowest of places
Only to be knocked back down
So close my heart
Close my eyes
Open my hands
Open my thighs
Prepare for the hurt
Given by the umpteenth man
Quicker his pleasure released
Quicker we finish
Quicker I pick up my pride
Quicker my fam can eat
Not my ideal way to get money
But do what I have to
People call me nasty
If they only knew my family
Those meant to protect, hurt
So never felt that way until it was too late
Protection a state of mind though
Guess that’s why mine never at rest

3-6-2011

Still Hurts

Still Hurts

Hate how much I love you
Even more because you don’t give a damn
Claimed you as my man
But first you were my best friend
Then the drama came
And we both changed
Now you probably couldn’t spot me
Or stop me from doing my thing
Head first in these streets like its nothing
Probably cause since you gone I don’t give a damn
Drinking and smoking trying to get my head right
Niggas and bitches hoping I never make it to light
You the one that kept my heart from being cold
Kept my soul from being black
So when we fell apart
And I crossed that line
I knew there was no coming back
You were my heart and my soul
Still my other half, even through the pain
Can’t let you go and it’s really a shame
Still cry over those twins
They would just be making 2
Acting terrible just like we use to
I knew you were gonna make dem tough
While I spoil dem
21 years, 9 heart breaks, and I’m still moving
But now you gone and I just don’t know how I’mma do it
Everytime I hear our song it hurts
Sleep with my teddy bear it hurts
Meet a nigga with ya name and the pain feel the same
I still hurt cause I want it to be you and me again
The nights I came from the club
Laid next to a sweet gentlemen thug
Dicked down right before I go to sleep
And wake up to the same shit right before I change the sheets
Comforter provider
That’s why he always had a ride or
Die chick in this bitch
Never that kiddie shit
Always free of drama
Except when it came to the baby mama
Feeling like Miss B
How that bitch steady tested me
Everyone surprised I kept my peace
But I did it for the baby hoping the bull would quickly cease
Thinking bout all dis shit
Is about to make me quit
But I thought writing this poem would
Get rid of everything I’m feeling wrong
But the pain still ensues
So the only comfort I have is knowing
He still breathing
Still doing him
Still receiving my love
Even through this its still unshaken
If anything stronger
But being apart from you still hurts
It just hurts

1/28/2011

Cried Out

Cried Out

Loved you even though I knew all ya faults
Never cared because you knew all mines from the start
Always respected me, at least that’s what you claimed
Had me willing to do anything for you stayed claiming ya last name
And you play me like a groupie from round the way
Must have got me confused with the bitches you fucked from back in the day
Forgot you taught me how to be a gutta bitch
Was already a rider cause the males in my fam taught me that shit

I please my man out of love and you know that
But if you push too much I’m not afraid to push back
Met ya cousins and ya boys heard ya tell ya mom about me
Know you a thug, ya own child call ya rowdy
But I loved you still
Held you down and kept it all the way real

So imagine my surprise when I heard you played me
Know not to believe that he said she said but the info was sum crazy
They told me shit I knew was true
Time frame fit and knew ya crew
Named ya kids and ya spots
Even called ya baby mama name out
All that shit added to my regular stress
No wonder I snapped and let tears my face them dress

After all this info you would think I’m through
But I still love you harder than a fat kid love food
I see I gotta love ya from a distance though
Always have a place in my heart just can’t let it show
Moving on to someone who treat me better
Was there for the drama so you know I deserve the sunny weather

Hope we remain friends though
My new man can’t stand you but he love it to see me happy so
If I ask him to trust me with you I think he can manage
Cause to lose you as my man is tough however it’s reversible damage
But to lose my best friend would be to much for me to handle
Compared to you my sisters can’t hold a candle
Even though from what I’m told you think I’m aggravating

So maybe we should lose all contact and I learn to deal with shit dolo
This the reason I’m scared to love don’t get pain when I’m solo
But I be closer to death cause I be on them suicidal missions
Welcoming all kind of pain sisters think I’m tripping
A place only love can reach me but can still be ignored
Where the tears flow none stop while my story goes untold
That’s the way I like it though a burden to no one
Just drown myself till I’ve cried myself out and the tears are done

Letter to L.T.

Dear L.,
It has been over 5years since I talked to you, and even after what you did I cannot honestly say that I don't still care for you. If I was to be 100% truthful with how I feel, I still love as much as the last day we kissed. Dreams I remember having when we first met are starting to pop up again. Seem like everything is repeating now that I'm looking back.
- getting closer with my dad
- feel myself getting sick again
- thinking I'm pregnant
- depression setting in (worse this time around)
All the same things I was going through before. Only this time I'm not crying out for you, I'm crying out for my Bestie. He is the one who I found, fixed, and filled my heart after you broke, burned, and buried it.
I turned so cold after you played me that day. Didn't realize it then, but I returned to the lil girl you met that day. Set back out on that track of self destruction. Its not slowly your fault I shoulda been strong enough mentally to not let you in my head.
*smh* I love you but am requesting you leave my brain and dreams alone. Thank you soooooo much.
*smooches*
BabyGirl

Here We Go Again

I was starting to except the fact that I was pregnant, and was getting my cards lined up so I could have a something to fall back on when I had to tell everybody I was. Well today when I came home I had to run to the bathroom. Didn't think anything of it my bladder is like the rest of my body STUPID.

To my surprise however I saw light blood; this same thing happened when I was last year a week before I miscarried. Guess I should be happy though. I mean for one it's not happening around my birthday like last year, and two I get to get fucked up on my 21st B-Day.

I'm not though, really wanted this one and the physical and emotional pain is crazy. Hope I'm wrong and come July-August my stomach gets rounder. However, I will deal regardless. So if I don't write for a while either I'm dealing with that or it's because I'm handling school work for my summer classes so I can get my  Associate degree and get to working on my Bachelor's.

Mz. N.O.B.