I had a dream last night and just felt the need to post this before I lost the courage to do so

*deep breath*

~ Letter to My Hearts ~

Apologize I returned you too soon

But I was a kid myself so didn't think of the open wounds

The deed would leave

The clotting and pain; overlooked cause I was "untouched"

-Couldn't confirm one problem cause it would cause another

But that same one the cause for my illness

Guess my punishment for moving too fast, but why couldn't my first lost be my last?

Prayed and asked over the years because a mini me would be nice

But my luck with men worse then an armless man shooting dice

So headaches spared, and I can't complain

Just wish it was my time/season again

Daughters playing with their Aunts in heaven

Looking over their twin brothers, my last creation

All four represented in the four that I claim

People don't get my bond with the kids

But if they knew my trauma would they get it then???

After the twins I stayed on control so much, I may never have that chapter told

A childless mother with a broken heart

Face full of tears, how my days end and start

Pain getting intense, can no longer hide it in my voice

Restless sleep, beautiful nightmares ending too soon against my choice

Hope I'm blessed to hold ya'll one day

Be it this life or after

Just keep mama sane so I finish these chapters

And welcome ya grandpa gets there

I'll meet again, hopefully it will be after

Love Mommie

9-9-2024

Strange Childhood

Strange Childhood

He say that he want a good girl

But he had one

Treated her like shit

And now she a bad one

Got the whole block knowing her name

Never even caught contact

Now she growing the green

Spoiled bitch so she loving the income

Only rocking with him when she wanta cum

All nighter

His use to be ride-or-dier

Ran from her past

Didn’t want it to shape her

Now she fucking with the man who use to fucking rape her

He think she love him

She know the difference

Only sweet talking him so she can get them figures

When she suck him dry

She gone with the quickness

He gotta chase to get her attention

She let him catch and now he missing

Cause ol’ girl was on a mission

Set him up got the herb

Fuck his contact on the low is her house he bought in the burb

Knew the combo to the safe

So she rolling in the faces

While thinking of his when he took that last breathe

Body gone forever guess the game got a new vet

Under 13 with 3 bodies and no connection

Might be abnormal where you from, but it’s the norm in her town

Females just as cut throat if not worse than some niggas who get down

Crazy thing is she from the good part of the city

But related to the hood niggas

So guess she was meant for this life

There goes the idea of her being anyone mother or wife

1-30-2013

~Just Another Day~

~Just Another Day~

It was just another day to him when he broke my heart
The very first time I acknowledged having a scar
It was just another day when I bleed through pain
Another scar this one not as vain
It was just another day when his cousin left so abrut
Another lost on this day how could it be so tough
Valentine's Day don't see the big deal
Guess others like to make it a thrill

It was just another day when he wiped my tears
Mixed with rain so he couldn't see which we're real
It was just another day when a promise broken
I believed the lie on why until I saw you with another woman
It was just another day when I realized it was my first with you
My big cuz who I shared my deepest secrets with hardest person I've said goodbye too
Christmas Day one filled with joy for a birth
But one stilled filled so much pain on this precious Earth

It was just another day when I made a promise to myself
One to get I'm shape and to only one be true
It was just another day when everyone turned up
But forget to be safe so now they got a lil one on the way and he need to own up
It was just another day when he shared the truth
After 5years he was giving me the boot
New Year's a time to make a new resolute
And time to wash away the old drama and start anew

365days in a year and only a few "special" ones
But what most seem to forget
A holiDAY brings stress, birth, pain, death and joy
It's just another day
So enjoy them all and show those in your heart you care
Because regardless of the importance of the DATE
Make all of them special
Cause it's just another day

2-24-2013

The Current Me (2013)

Current Me

(2013)

When I was young my self-esteem was extreme

But the older I got I started seeing the world, and realized I was just a cent

Compared to the glamour, my style is minuet

Family always downed me, so my passion for fashion was slowly removed

Add the other “incidents” and my little bit of confidence was gone

Eight years old walking round like I’m grown

People didn’t see the mask that hid my scars

When I tried to share was called a liar and sent to the back

So all my emotions over the years I just packed

Never saw my true beauty especially in my teen years

Was always the FAT friend, add that my trust issues

Any male that approached me I put a wall up

Wasn’t playing hard to get, just knew with my tender heart and mind; I had to be tough

My legs opened easily because that “precious” gift been took

Let two in my heart but within a year regretted adding them to my book

So after that I never let anyone get close, never got possessive

Never let my feelings show, rule that was embedded in me

People who hurt me most, were the ones who spoiled me

So to this day I’m slow to accept a gift

Starting to truly see my beauty, not fully, but better than before

Understanding my shape attract attention, both good and bad, and age make it worse

Knowing I’m more than just a chick you sneak in the back or around with

My mind alone makes me someone you should show pride with

I know my faults and admit to them

Try to better myself but I’m not perfect

Starting to get “cocky” so no longer feel I have to prove I’m worthy

Accomplished a lot of goals and not even half way out my twenties

Let my guard down to those who deserve it

That respects me as much if not more than I respect myself

At 23 I’m actually seeing myself as a powerful, intellectual, beautiful woman

01- 16-2013

Pain

Pain

Pain is temporary but dealing with the same pain for to long is dangerous.
Just like when pressure builds up and a glass bottle bust.
The original is shattered innocent pieces lost.
Even when placed back together its never the same.
Sad to say the remembrance of the pain is my joy.
The scars create my smile.
Real happiness never knew it.
Physical bliss was tainted.
Don't like gifts cause the ulterior motives never legit.
So I've come to the conclusion this love shit not for me.
Migraines 20 hours out of a day.
No sleep and have yet to feel or see my little one play.
Three rings but still no vows.
Multiple promises of a cure.
But the pain wins out.
So I just deal.
Learn to turn a pint of alcohol to a meal.
Smoke break and a wine cooler be another.
The two things that have me scared to be a mother.
My pain and medicine,
A volatile combination with a suppose to be "mother."

09/15/2012

The Idea

The Idea

I feel in love with the idea of you:

Loving me

Holding me

Wanting me

Understanding me

Appreciating me

I fell in love with the idea of me and you:

Having our own

Making trips to exotic places

Graduating together

Creating a family

I fell in love with the idea.....

Guess that's the problem

I fell in love with an idea

And not the true person

Fell in love with the person I knew

Not the one in the present

But the dreams you promised

I viewed as a blessing

Didn't understand the lies you came up with

Were ideas I had of a love from when I was a kid

You listened and never judged

So I thought you really cared

You chased me

So I thought the feelings I caught

Made it all fair

But as time moved on your actions not your words

Proved my assumptions completely wrong

Confused on how to feel

Should I be: hurt

Sad

Heart broken

Mad

Not give a fuck

Or should I just be glad

That I'm back to the old me

But she cold hearted

Not capable of love

Someone I was sick of being

But she the one who shed no tears

Showed no fears

Held it all in

And had no problems from it

Guess the idea of me

The idea of you

The idea of us

Was just an idea

Of how some parts of love should be

But I guess the idea of me

Wasn’t enough to keep you out the streets

So me and my ideas are going

And I regret to inform you

My ideas of us will remain just that

An idea

August 15, 2012

Then and Now

Then and Now

Back then,

I was afraid to fall in love

Something I have already did

Not just with the sex

But with the person I knew you were

The feeling you gave me when I needed a hug

Let me vent about things I didn’t realize I was holding in

You called me and did the same

Didn’t have the problems then

Right now,

I’m tired and the disappearing acts starting to get old

Games you playing making my heart so cold

The change you began still taking place

No one can seem to make their own space

My feelings still there regardless how hard I try

Notice your true colors and I’m tempted to sit back and cry

However tears can never dress the face of a thug

At least not this one you knew what was up

Cause back then,

I used to fuck round with your kin

And when that ended we were still cool like Chicago wind

Family secrets I never let out

Fell into your ears

Goals I gave up

Rethought about including you and your kids

Promised them a room

In my future crib

But right now,

I gotta focus on school

My promises to your lil ones Imma hold true

Because getting to the money is my current fetish

Hope you can stand seeing this monster you then unleashed

Joalane out the picture and Paulinah been released

So when you in need don’t come to me for help

Ask your line up

Since I see I’m no longer fitting the bill

Maybe later on,

You may get it together

Have your priorities right

Understand how a relationship should go

Cause the you I fell for back then

And the you I’m in love with now are completely different

I can’t lie regardless of the you later on

You will have my heart

Cause you saw me back then

When I was afraid to even start a right now

And didn’t think of a later

August 13, 2012

Fairy Tale Love/Heart Attack

Fairy Tale Love/Heart Attack

My heart feeling funny

And not in a bad way

Smiling wide and bright as the sun

Hope the good times stay

Making plans that could last a lifetime

Dreams may come true this time around

Love the new me I’m seeing

Well she not really new

Just got beat into an early grave

Was resurrected through a kiss like a fairy tale

The last person expected to have that effect

Even this princess had accepted her death

Then I met the prince’s court

Saw he truly cared and it wasn’t for sport

Took my fear and turned them fun

Can honestly say he has fixed a shattered woman

The space is now warm

Now capable of the greatest act

Loving myself and him

How is that for a heart attack?

June 5, 2012

My Pain

My Pain

I wish you could see what you did to me

“Trained” me to be for you

Then left soon as I hit school

Pain I still can’t forget

Special games I would rather forget

Like you forgot me

Felt abandoned and unloved

When I as sixteen picked them back up

Unknowingly going back to the old “games”

Just had new players

They woke a craving I abandoned

Confused what you taught as love with lust

So the men that cared I left

The ones who hurt I chose to trust

Didn’t realize the problem till I was 21

And you tried to restart a story I never knew begun

I understood then when the nightmares came back

And a simple pat on the back received a panic attack

A compliment is never true

Ulterior motives I see them even when not there

Don’t lie and say I’m beautiful

Just say what you want and where

Was my rule for so many years

Plus when you call me out my name it’s irrelevant

Didn’t understand how much pain I was causing

Lost 5 kids so I know why you talking

Fucked brothers and cousins

Even a chic I was cool with husband

Stupid maybe

Naïve hell yes

Trusting never that

Just a scorned lil girl in a woman’s body

Who in this war of life is a vet

With PTSD something I finally accept

April 28, 2012

Life

Life

I don’t even smoke no more

No longer get high

I don’t even drink no more

Trying to see how I get by

Not even content when I smile

Real friends see in my eyes

Guess that’s why

Been popping since I was five

Southern “lady”

New Orleans raised me

Katrina bathed me

Mississippi preyed on me like crazy

Now I’m back cutting

Which lead to scare

Not leaving the house

So I end up with more stress

Flashbacks to my younger years

Pain others joke and lie about

I really lived

Swear I can write a movie

From these held back tears

So I guess it’s back to smoking

Probably can handle an ounce a day now

Cause the pain to strong so 4 blunts just gonna tease me

Finally tried syrup and it go down easy

Had a good sleep

Just ended to soon

Guess I found a new vice

Gotta see if this one is a perfect fit

Cause this 89 baby tired of it

April 24, 2012