I had a dream last night and just felt the need to post this before I lost the courage to do so

*deep breath*

~ Letter to My Hearts ~

Apologize I returned you too soon

But I was a kid myself so didn't think of the open wounds

The deed would leave

The clotting and pain; overlooked cause I was "untouched"

-Couldn't confirm one problem cause it would cause another

But that same one the cause for my illness

Guess my punishment for moving too fast, but why couldn't my first lost be my last?

Prayed and asked over the years because a mini me would be nice

But my luck with men worse then an armless man shooting dice

So headaches spared, and I can't complain

Just wish it was my time/season again

Daughters playing with their Aunts in heaven

Looking over their twin brothers, my last creation

All four represented in the four that I claim

People don't get my bond with the kids

But if they knew my trauma would they get it then???

After the twins I stayed on control so much, I may never have that chapter told

A childless mother with a broken heart

Face full of tears, how my days end and start

Pain getting intense, can no longer hide it in my voice

Restless sleep, beautiful nightmares ending too soon against my choice

Hope I'm blessed to hold ya'll one day

Be it this life or after

Just keep mama sane so I finish these chapters

And welcome ya grandpa gets there

I'll meet again, hopefully it will be after

Love Mommie

9-9-2024

Strange Childhood

Strange Childhood

He say that he want a good girl

But he had one

Treated her like shit

And now she a bad one

Got the whole block knowing her name

Never even caught contact

Now she growing the green

Spoiled bitch so she loving the income

Only rocking with him when she wanta cum

All nighter

His use to be ride-or-dier

Ran from her past

Didn’t want it to shape her

Now she fucking with the man who use to fucking rape her

He think she love him

She know the difference

Only sweet talking him so she can get them figures

When she suck him dry

She gone with the quickness

He gotta chase to get her attention

She let him catch and now he missing

Cause ol’ girl was on a mission

Set him up got the herb

Fuck his contact on the low is her house he bought in the burb

Knew the combo to the safe

So she rolling in the faces

While thinking of his when he took that last breathe

Body gone forever guess the game got a new vet

Under 13 with 3 bodies and no connection

Might be abnormal where you from, but it’s the norm in her town

Females just as cut throat if not worse than some niggas who get down

Crazy thing is she from the good part of the city

But related to the hood niggas

So guess she was meant for this life

There goes the idea of her being anyone mother or wife

1-30-2013

~Just Another Day~

~Just Another Day~

It was just another day to him when he broke my heart
The very first time I acknowledged having a scar
It was just another day when I bleed through pain
Another scar this one not as vain
It was just another day when his cousin left so abrut
Another lost on this day how could it be so tough
Valentine's Day don't see the big deal
Guess others like to make it a thrill

It was just another day when he wiped my tears
Mixed with rain so he couldn't see which we're real
It was just another day when a promise broken
I believed the lie on why until I saw you with another woman
It was just another day when I realized it was my first with you
My big cuz who I shared my deepest secrets with hardest person I've said goodbye too
Christmas Day one filled with joy for a birth
But one stilled filled so much pain on this precious Earth

It was just another day when I made a promise to myself
One to get I'm shape and to only one be true
It was just another day when everyone turned up
But forget to be safe so now they got a lil one on the way and he need to own up
It was just another day when he shared the truth
After 5years he was giving me the boot
New Year's a time to make a new resolute
And time to wash away the old drama and start anew

365days in a year and only a few "special" ones
But what most seem to forget
A holiDAY brings stress, birth, pain, death and joy
It's just another day
So enjoy them all and show those in your heart you care
Because regardless of the importance of the DATE
Make all of them special
Cause it's just another day

2-24-2013

The Current Me (2013)

Current Me

(2013)

When I was young my self-esteem was extreme

But the older I got I started seeing the world, and realized I was just a cent

Compared to the glamour, my style is minuet

Family always downed me, so my passion for fashion was slowly removed

Add the other “incidents” and my little bit of confidence was gone

Eight years old walking round like I’m grown

People didn’t see the mask that hid my scars

When I tried to share was called a liar and sent to the back

So all my emotions over the years I just packed

Never saw my true beauty especially in my teen years

Was always the FAT friend, add that my trust issues

Any male that approached me I put a wall up

Wasn’t playing hard to get, just knew with my tender heart and mind; I had to be tough

My legs opened easily because that “precious” gift been took

Let two in my heart but within a year regretted adding them to my book

So after that I never let anyone get close, never got possessive

Never let my feelings show, rule that was embedded in me

People who hurt me most, were the ones who spoiled me

So to this day I’m slow to accept a gift

Starting to truly see my beauty, not fully, but better than before

Understanding my shape attract attention, both good and bad, and age make it worse

Knowing I’m more than just a chick you sneak in the back or around with

My mind alone makes me someone you should show pride with

I know my faults and admit to them

Try to better myself but I’m not perfect

Starting to get “cocky” so no longer feel I have to prove I’m worthy

Accomplished a lot of goals and not even half way out my twenties

Let my guard down to those who deserve it

That respects me as much if not more than I respect myself

At 23 I’m actually seeing myself as a powerful, intellectual, beautiful woman

01- 16-2013

Pain

Pain

Pain is temporary but dealing with the same pain for to long is dangerous.
Just like when pressure builds up and a glass bottle bust.
The original is shattered innocent pieces lost.
Even when placed back together its never the same.
Sad to say the remembrance of the pain is my joy.
The scars create my smile.
Real happiness never knew it.
Physical bliss was tainted.
Don't like gifts cause the ulterior motives never legit.
So I've come to the conclusion this love shit not for me.
Migraines 20 hours out of a day.
No sleep and have yet to feel or see my little one play.
Three rings but still no vows.
Multiple promises of a cure.
But the pain wins out.
So I just deal.
Learn to turn a pint of alcohol to a meal.
Smoke break and a wine cooler be another.
The two things that have me scared to be a mother.
My pain and medicine,
A volatile combination with a suppose to be "mother."

09/15/2012